Be Careful What You Wish For.

I have opened Pandora’s box. I’d like to put the lid back on and walk away, please. Where is my rewind button when I need it?

My oldest child is a lovely girl of 16, whom I had at the tender age of 21. I was actually 9 months pregnant for my 21st birthday. Yeehaw! I rang in my 21st year with banana popsicles and the Simpsons.

Her biological father, to put it mildly, was a putz. I won’t go into detail, but he moved out when she was a month old. I may have greeted him at the door one morning after he stayed out all night, and asked him if he need help carrying his things to his car. I also may have then carried his belongings out to the car for him, in thick black trash bags. It is also possible that I then politely closed the door and never looked back.

He signed his rights away when she was 18 months old.

He had another daughter when I met him. She came to stay with us a couple of times, before I got pregnant. She was a charming little thing, about three years old. I was pretty smitten with her. He made her mother out to be a horrible beast, who wouldn’t let him see his little girl. I felt so bad for him and his sweet, funny girl. I was heartbroken when I realized I’d never see her again.

As my own daughter grew, I was very candid with her regarding her past. Recently, she began showing interest in her biological family. Namely, the father-person and her older sister. I told her I would do my best to find them. And now, I have.

Thanks to the amazing world of social media, I have found my daughter’s sister’s mother. Did you get that? Complicated much? For the sake of ease, we’ll call her “M”.

I have spent much of the past day talking to “M” via Facebook messaging. And though she’s been lovely, the whole process has opened wounds in my heart that I didn’t even know existed.

Sometimes, putting together the pieces of an unfinished puzzle is a painful process.

I am lucky to call this beautiful child "my daughter".

I am lucky to call this beautiful child “my daughter”.

One of my favorite photos. She was 12. I was skinny.
One of my favorite photos. She was 12. I was skinny.

Don’t Mind Me. Just Tearing Down Some of My Walls.

I’ve been avoiding making eye contact with the WordPress button on my Bookmarks bar.

“If I don’t look, then my blog doesn’t exist. If my blog doesn’t exist, then I don’t have to write anything, or be forced to acknowledge the fact that I haven’t written anything in two whole weeks.”

I looked. *sigh*

The fact is, I haven’t had a damned thing to say. Well, I’ve said plenty…”Put that down! Stop licking the dog’s face! Are you supposed to be jumping on the couch? Go to sleep! Get you own damn water and get back in bed! Don’t make me come in there!”..etc.

I know, I know…Momma of the Year material right here. What can I say? I get cranky when I’m internalizing shit.

But anyway, I wasn’t writing because I felt like I had to be funny or at least mildly amusing, and I just didn’t have it in me. I didn’t want to show the side of me that gets sick, or hormonal, or depressed, or nearly crippled by anxiety. And that’s where I’ve been. Welcome to Melancholy-ville. Population: Me.

You know what though? This blog isn’t supposed to just be about me being quirky or funny (even though I am…damned funny, even). It’s about me. All of me. Including the yucky parts. So…from this moment on, I am devoting this blog to the messy truth of my life.

Prepare to be dazzled. You may want to shield your eyes.

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I’m Gonna Do It. Just You Wait And See…

I’ve had a hell of a couple of weeks, y’all. As of today, I’ve had it up to *here* with this whole being an adult/parenting gig. I’m done. Fini. Caput.

After much consideration, I’ve made a life-changing decision – I’m running away from home and joining the circus. Who’s with me?

Ahhh…just think about it. The freedom. The thrills. The sparkly costumes. Not to mention all of the travel and potential for adventure. I mean, who hasn’t fantasized about a late-night rendezvous behind the big-top, with a toothless carny? No one? Really? Hmm…odd.

Of course, I’m going to need some sort of a talent. Knife juggling, maybe?

Is it me, or does she look nervous?

Nah. I need something with a bit more glitz and glamour. How about joining a super-cool trapeze act?

The girl on the top is certainly limber, isn’t she?

I don’t think so. I’m not all that fond of heights. Hmm…this looks fun.

The horse looks less than pleased, no?

I’ve got it! Now this is what I’m talking about! Glamour! Excitement! A really neat-o co-star!

It takes a special lady to look this sexy while riding an elephant’s trunk.

That outfit is a tad skimpy. I may need to start working out.

Aww, Shucks…

versatile_blogger_award

I nearly forgot about this little beauty. Yes, the glamorous blogger lifestyle has left me so jaded, that I now ignore awards that have been passed to me by my fellow bloggers. *le sigh* Besides, one should always appear humble when in the public eye, right? “Oh, this old thing? That’s just my Nobel Prize Versatile Blogger Award. Don’t you have one?”

Except, I’m really just tickled pink whenever someone is so inclined to include me in the blogging reindeer games. In this case, it was the amazing Mancakes, who so generously picked me to be on her list of fifteen bloggers to receive this sweet award. Thank you, thank you, you lovely and talented lady!

Here, in no particular order, are my fifteen choices:

1. The Waiting

2. Memoirs of a Mom Who Ticks

3. Ned’s Blog

4. Doodlemum

5. I Don’t Get It

6. The Jaded Apothecary

7. whiny baby

8. The Real Full House

9. Raising My Rainbow

10. B(itch) Log

11. Icescreammama

12. The Byronic Man

13. the ramblings

14. Momma Be Thy Name

15.  Small Potatoes

 

Apparently, I am now supposed to divulge 7 random facts about myself.

1. I already had five kids when I met my husband. This either makes him really brave, or certifiably insane. It also may say a lot about my feminine wiles. *winkwink*

2. I hate to wear shoes and will almost always choose flip flops over other footwear. For some odd reason, I do have a closet full of shoes.

3. I was raised by a single mother (God love her) and her gay male friends. I am convinced that this is where my wit and my flair for the dramatic was born. I’m not saying that all gay men are dramatic, but oh my, my mama knew some doozies.

4. I moved to Colorado from San Francisco when I was 15. Talk about culture shock…

5. I have a serious nerd crush on Stephen Colbert. My husband is aware of said crush, yet I don’t believe he feels at all threatened. Weird…

6. I’m 37 and just voted for the first time in November. That’s all I’m going to say, as I refuse to discuss politics with people I like.

7. My favorite word in the English language is “smitten”. Aww…

 

Alrighty friends…go spread some love.

I Should Have Just Been a Zoo Keeper

I’m pretty sure that raising young boys is a lot like working in the primate exhibit at the zoo. Boys are really just chimps with less fur, right?

Screaming, running, jumping, swinging from curtain rods…I’m just waiting for the day that someone throws poo at me.

Do you think Child Protective Services would take issue with me building a little boy habitat in my back yard? I’m thinking something indestructible  that could perhaps be hosed down with a power washer.

There’s a Lot of Talk About Lady Bits in This Post

I have six children. Yes, they’re all mine. Stop looking at me like that. No, I’m not crazy, just really fertile. I mean…well, I suppose I’m a little crazy. Just a smidge.

Drawing of the Nursery Rhyme "There was a...

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children that she eventually went completely bat-shit crazy and ran away from home to join the circus.(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What really kills me about having a large family, is how some people seem to think that my fertility is any of their business. The announcement of my sixth pregnancy was met with such incredulousness, that you would have thought that I had just proclaimed that I would be giving birth to the anti-Christ. Which, for the record, he is not. He is almost 2 though, so he seems a little like the anti-Christ, but I’m guessing he’ll grow out of it, like his siblings did. But I digress…

Potential demon spawn...

Potential demon spawn…

Upon the birth of my adorable baby boy, we were greeted by such congratulatory phrases as, “Aww, what a cute baby. You’re done now, right?” and “Look at his precious face. Have you gotten your tubes tied yet?”. It makes my heart swell to think of the joyous welcome our son was given by various family members. Not.

For the record, yes, we are “done”. I am hanging up my ovaries and having my uterus bronzed for posterity. But, for a short bit, all of the nosiness just made me want to squeeze out a couple more kids. That’d show ‘em, right? Hmm…except, then I remembered that we’re really close to being done with diapers, and late night feedings, and all of that other shit that makes parenting no-so-fun.

But, if I decided I wanted to be the next Michelle Duggar and pop out another 10 or so, and my husband was on board with it, why would it be anyone else’s business? No one else is paying for or otherwise supporting them. They are well-fed, clothed and loved. How is the size of my family affecting anyone else? Do tell…I’d love to know.

The other thing that really gets to me, is how people will actually make comments about the vagina of a woman who has had more than a couple of babies. I’ve seen Michelle Duggar’s vagina referred to as a “clown car”. Personally, I had an ex-co-worker of mine compare my birth canal to a “slip and slide”. Stop laughing. That shit’s not funny. The only people who are currently allowed to talk about my vagina are me and my husband. And seeing as he would probably like to continue having visitation rights with said vagina, he’d best keep his yap shut. The same goes for Michelle’s and every other woman’s hoo-ha, cha-cha, vajayjay, cooter, etc. If you don’t have a personal relationship with the vagina in question, than you probably shouldn’t be talking about it. Christ, leave us poor moms with some dignity. We’re barely hanging onto the last shreds of it as it is.

Clown car

NOT Michelle Duggar’s vagina! (Photo credit: joshuaheller)

I guess what I’m getting at, is that people people should really think before they speak. Don’t judge a woman, until you’ve walked a mile in her vagina. Umm…driven in her clown car? Shit. You know what I mean.

 

 

I’d like to thank the little people…

liebsteraward

I am positively pleased as punch to brag about announce that I have been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by the lovely and talented Barefoot but in Stilettos! Fabulous, right? But what the hell is it? Here is the blog post by my fabulous nominator: http://barefootinstilettos.wordpress.com/2013/03/20/liebster-blog-award. I also did a bit of digging on my own and found that there are several variations on the “rules” for this award, such as this:

liebster-blog-award

Nice! You’ve gotta love the sense of community amongst the blogging community.

Okay, so here goes…

The 11 questions I’m being forced asked to answer:

1.What’s the story behind your blog?  Was it conceived on a glass of wine, after years of preparation or something else?

Honestly, this blog has been a few years in the making. When a girl gets told on several occasions that she should be writing a blog…well, it gets the gears turning. I tried multiple times to get a blog up and running, but always seemed to get bogged down in the details of creating the damn thing. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I’m happy with allowing my blog to evolve naturally, instead of having a strict game plan.

2. What is your favorite blog that you have written to date?

Well, there have only been five. I’m not sure that I have a clear favorite, though my first, Because I’m the Momma, That’s Why, has a special place in my heart. 

3. If you had all the time and money in the world, how would you spend them?  (My FAVORITE question to ask people…)

Travel, travel, and…more travel!!! I have a wandering spirit, who sadly, is trapped in the suburbs. Infinite time and funds would allow me the luxury of dragging my family across the world.

4. Is your blogger a secret obsession or are all of your friends and family in the know?

There are a select few friend and family that I let in on my new obsession. I won’t let my husband read it though. I’m afraid I’ll censor myself if he reads it. Maybe someday I’ll give him the go-ahead.

5. If a PICTURE could describe your current mindset, or a mindset you had today, what would it be?

woman_pulling_out_hair

Who am I kidding? This is me every day.

6. Give us a glimpse as to what kind of kid you were…

Frankly, I was a mess. Awkward, sad, unpopular and very, very lonely…it wasn’t good. But, I truly believe that my craptastic childhood made me the spectacular creature I am today.

7. What is the goal of your blog?  For example, would you like for it to grow over the years or are the option of creating another exists and this could be temporary?

I would looove for my blog to grow, as I crave attention and validation through the acceptance of others.

8. Flats or stilettos?  (I had to)

Flip-flops, darlin’. Always.

9. A million dollars must be spent in 24 hours… how would you accomplish it?

Ack!!! Way too much pressure. I’m sure I’d completely fuck this up and have all of the money taken back.

10. Do you have a dream pet?  And it is…

Dream pet? Is there an animal that cleans up after itself?

11. Last book you read and enjoyed was…

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: (A Mostly True Memoir)

lets-pretend-this-never-happened

Seriously…funniest book ever. The Bloggess never fails to amuse.

*****

So, this is the portion of my little award’s ceremony where I get to pass the Liebster torch to a few fellow bloggers that I think are cool talented and worthy of such prestige. Turns out, it ain’t easy to find 11 blogs that meet the criteria of having less than 200 followers, and that I enjoy reading. I’m sorry…this may make me a blog snob. Anywho, I’m changing things up a bit.

And now, without further ado, I would like to nominate the following blogs for the prestigious Liebster Award: 

Extreme Mom – Funny, funny lady. I love a momma I can relate to.

Snoozing on the Sofa – Parenting dad-style. Who doesn’t love a guy who’s slightly creeped out by his kid?

don of all trades – Part dad blog, part midlife crisis = shooting beverages out of your nose

Diary of a MadMama – Her fashion do-overs appeal to my crafty side.

 

Yeah, there’s only four nominees. Sue me.

Now, dear nominated bloggers, here are your questions:

1. If you were a super hero what powers would you have?

2. What is your earliest memory?

3. Tell me about your last vacation. Make it good, I’m living vicariously.

4. Is your blog shaping up to be what you envisioned when you started?

5. What is your beverage of choice?

6. Who is your ideal reader?

7. What is your favorite well-read  (over 1,000 readers) blog?

8. Favorite author?

9. If you could go out and purchase any one item, what would it be?

10. What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done?

11. What is the one thing you cannot live without?

*****

Okay, nominees, go forth and spread the love! I look forward to reading and growing with all of you!

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I don’t understand your Lord of the Rings/Hobbit/Harry Potter/Doctor Who References

9439d89626563cac05898a520aaa9e00                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I want to, really. And I’ve tried. Seriously. Stop looking at me like that.

I did make it through the first season of Doctor Who, but things happened, people changed (died?) and I never went back. I may give it a shot again, but major character changes are a lot for me to handle.

I’m a book reader. If a movie is released that began it’s life in a literary form, chances are I’m going to insist on reading it before I see the movie. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I’ve tried to read the the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings. At one time, I actually owned the entire boxed set. Every once in a while, I’d get a bee in my bonnet and decide that I needed to read those damned books. I’m pretty sure I never made it past the first 50 pages. Super-duper-boring-snooze-fest. Every time.

I made far less of an effort with Harry Potter. I figured they were written for children, right? Wrong. There are grown women who would sooner gouge out my eyes, than to hear me speak ill of Young Mister Potter. So me, feeling like I surely must be missing out on something, downloaded the first book (do NOT ask me what the official title is, please) onto my Kindle and prepared to be dazzled. After it sat, completely untouched for an entire month, I gave up and returned it to the Kindle library.

Okay, so I can’t handle the damned books. No biggie, because hey, I can just watch the movies, right? Nope. Every time I’ve attempted it, it’s as if some sort of film induced ADHD sets in and there are suddenly 50 gagillion other things that really need to be taken care of. Now. Maybe even yesterday. That toilet ain’t gonna scrub itself.

So I’m sorry, my lovely geeky friends. I do not understand your film/book references. Your literary quotes are completely lost on me.

This is where you revoke my membership to the geek club, isn’t it?